A Sober Life

Jen and donkey.jpg

When I was a kid, one of my relatives loved watching the evangelist, Billy Graham on T.V. He also watched other shows where people were miraculously healed from a variety of ailments and sailed off to a seemingly happy life. I wished healing was like that for a while. I felt deflated when I first discovered that that wasn’t going to be my experience of healing food addiction when I first started this process in 2010.

I’ve experienced miraculous healing by the grace of Spirit. However, I had to walk out of those situations and live out that healing. By this I mean that I had to keep choosing to remain healed and to keep healing in order to be happy in my life. This is not something that someone else could do for me. No one else can make me happy. It is a choice I make every day, sometimes moment to moment, and recommit to when I need to.

The world we live in is a challenging place as well as a beauty-filled one. I used to focus on the things that weren’t working in the world and fall into a place of despair. How can I ever make a positive impact in such a mess? I realized, however, that this attitude was creating apathy and overwhelm inside of me and was simply adding to the chaos. Could I stop the mass killing of innocents around the world or mutilation of women’s genitals? Probably not. I could, however, work to change my own life and vow not to add to the destruction. I could create beauty. I could lend my life force energy to projects that contribute to the healing of our species and the Earth. I could work to change my corner of the world. I could join hands with other like-minded folks and do what I could. Now that was something I could say yes to.

And through that, I saw that the healing never ends as long as I am alive. The world does not have to be my version of utopia in order for me to be happy. I do not need to control the things and people around me in order to find peace. And instead of seeing the dysfunctional intergenerational patterns all families have to some extent as a curse, I could see them as an opportunity to break karmic patterns so that future generations do not have to continue to live through what their ancestors did. I could stop the cycle of violence at the start. I could start with myself.

And so that is what I continue to do after doing the work to heal a lifelong food addiction throughout the year of 2010. I didn’t walk away from my final Marking Ceremony a forever cured woman in all ways. I left being a slave to addiction behind. I stopped the inner war. I negotiated peace inside myself. A few months after the ceremony, I sprained my ankle and ended up quitting kickboxing. I couldn’t do it with my ankle in that condition and I realized that my body was screaming at me to find a form of exercising that put less impact on my joints. I was torn about this because kickboxing was a great way to keep energy running in my body and helped me to reduce stress. I also moved in with my life partner, which meant needing to buy a car to get around the city when I formerly took transit and walked everywhere.

Needless to say, it was a hard balancing act at this time to do my life’s work as well as exercising as much as my body needed to stay fit. I ended up gaining ten pounds. My ankle took six months to heal. I felt like a failure. I realized it was time to start using the tools and strategies I learned.   And I persevered. Failure is giving up and not learning from life. Failure to me means staying stagnant in one’s evolution. I readjusted my attitude majorly and succeeded.

I continue to listen to my body and give it what it needs. It is ever changing and it is always teaching me something new about myself I didn’t know. The benefit to being aware of my negative patterns and having lots of tools and strategies to draw from is that I can now see them coming from a mile away.   I can now stop and assess the situation to make better choices. I can anticipate possibly stressful situations ahead of time and prepare for them. I am no longer allowing something outside me to dictate my behaviour. I can choose to eat a cupcake or not. I am conscious of the choice I am making in the moment and can be at peace with it.

Sugar and wheat were never my enemies. They didn’t cause the addiction. I chose the addiction, albeit unconsciously, as a way to cope with the stress in life. I own that and everything it brought into my life. Living sober, for me, has to do with being conscious of what I am creating in my life. It also has to do with accepting what is and knowing what I can change and what I cannot. Then, choosing to focus on the only thing in the world I do have control of– myself.

Jennifer Engracio

Calgary, AB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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