Going Mental

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Lately, my mind is driving me mental.  Seriously, the inner dialogue has been unreal!  Old stuff floating back that I thought I’d healed has been taking up space in my mind.  I finally got fed up with it and decided to make a dream intent to heal my mind in my dreamtime.  Last night, I woke up from a dream at 4 am (a time I affectionately call “happy hour” for spiritual healing in my life).  In my dream, there was a furious, big man coming after me with a weapon.  I started running until I could see some people coming down the hill in a park.  I yelled at a woman holding a cell phone to call the police.  She started dialing and the man stopped his pursuit.  Usually, I wake up in the middle of the chase when my legs won’t run anymore and he’s about to seize me so this was interesting to me.

I decided to use my shamanic tools to tell me what it meant and what to do about it.  In my mind’s eye, I drew a circle of protection around me and called my totem animals in to support me.  I knew this had something to do with my ego and the thought occurred to me to call my ego outside my circle so we could have a chat.  At first, all I saw was a white swirl that was chaotic energy.  Angry, furious energy at that.  I witnessed it until it slowed down to a stop but I couldn’t see anything.  So when the energy was calm, I asked, “What do you look like?”  Then, he appeared, the spitting image of Lord Farquaad, the evil character with “short man’s complex” in the animated movie, Shrek.  Of course my ego would come in this form!  It made me laugh.  We proceeded to have a conversation.

“Okay,” I started, “Why are you so angry?”

He started going on with a list of decisions I’d made recently that he thought was irresponsible.  He was furious I hadn’t listened to the order’s he’d been barking at me.

So I calmly replied, “I know you think you know what’s best for me and you are trying to survive.  Telling me what to do and how to live my life is not your job.  That job belongs to my Higher Self.”

He looked at me puzzled and a little irritated, “Then what IS my job?!”

I checked in with my inner wisdom and knowing that the ego does best when it has a job to do, I said, “To keep an open mind.”

He looked at me in disgust. “What? How will I protect you from harm?”

“That’s not your job.  I have a warrior animal and my own instincts for that. In fact, when you go into panic and you are so loud in my head, you put me at more risk because I can’t hear what Spirit and my Higher Self are directing me to do.  I will not tolerate your cruelty and abusive behaviour any longer.  I want to live in peace with you.”

“No,” he retorted, “You want to annihilate me.”

“Yeah, ” I responded, “That might have been true in the past when I thought you were an enemy that needed to be conquered but I don’t feel that way any more.  I’ve hung up my boxing gloves and I’m no longer going to war with pieces of myself I don’t particularly like.  Now, you lay off and stay in your role and you can stay.  I actually want you to stay. Do we have an agreement?”

He agreed and we sat there looking at each other for a long time in silence.  I felt tremendous compassion for him and then my butterfly, my totem that helps with my mind, came and landed on my heart in the center of my chest and when I listened, I knew it was right to now invite Lord Farquaad, my ego, into my circle.  He seemed relieved and perhaps a little bit touched to be out of exile.  And everything became really calm in my space for the first time in months.  I forgave myself for allowing my ego to harass me and run my life unchecked as well as forgetting to use my tools.  I also forgave myself for banishing the pieces of myself I didn’t like and vowed to accept them and live in peace with them.

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